Understanding Addiction

Exposure

Written by

Marc

in

I’m nervous. I’m leaving for Toronto tomorrow for a publicity tour. The book is getting a lot of press, including a full-page article by Ian Brown in yesterday’s Globe. People seem to be grabbed by it. Some admire it. Some are shocked, even horrified, that this professor guy could ever have done such awful things. Some might feel both admiration and disdain. I don’t know for sure, but I’m about to find out. My publicist at Random House has set up a dozen radio interviews and three or four TV spots, including Canada AM and The Hour with George Strombo (gulp). And that’s great for the book… but I’m not sure I want to be there.

The book became more honest the longer I worked on it. I was going to reveal some of the past. Yeah, talk about the acid trips, the bust, well okay the busts, plural, then first experiences with heroin, maybe leave out the OD thing, get into the opium dens in Calcutta—that seemed suitably exotic. But those years of breaking into places, to get drugs, the intense compulsions, the suicidal risks, the lying and cheating and stealing and more stealing…I wasn’t planning to tell it all. But it just kept pouring out.

And then suddenly the book was finished. It was in the hands of the publisher, and I couldn’t have censored it or recanted it if I tried. Okay, I quit thirty years ago. And I’ve redeemed myself, haven’t I? Got back into grad school, worked really hard, got hired as a professor. I’m a neuroscientist now: all brain, no body, no pustules, no scars. Hah! You don’t live through a decade of addiction without a lot of scars, or without some crazy compensations to keep the wounds from opening up again.

So what I’m nervous about is that my squeaky-clean persona is going to be in front of that camera or that microphone and it’s going to turn transparent, so that everyone—relatives, colleagues, friends, ex-wives, children, ex-children—everyone can see the dirt below the surface. What am I going to talk about? How bad it was? How sick it was? How much fun it was? That crazy roller-coaster ride? Not knowing how to get off? And how my brain made me do it… How’s that going to go over?

Wish me luck, because it’s all going to happen in a few days. Feels like another roller-coaster ride, this one legal and acceptable, but with some of the same icicles dripping down the back of my throat.

Comments

24 responses to “Exposure”

  1. Michelle Caplan

    You are really an exception man… to step out onto this ‘stage’, offering your audience
    ‘your’ raw truth, in the most honest way you can is really a form of courage and humility. Think of it as your moment to touch the hearts and minds of people who crave to understand their own dark sides. You’ve always delved into things with complete honesty and intentionality when you’ve been on a ‘quest’. Those who read your book have likely been searching, just like you, for answers… Your story will not only resonate with many of your audience who shared in similar ‘exploits’ but also for those who never did but were touched by someone in their lives that did… and you will, no doubt, answer many unanswered questions for them; in this way, you may even teach some of your readers/listeners forgiveness, acceptance, and resignation.

    Reply
    1. Marc

      Thanks, Michelle. Your words are tremendously heart-warming. Thanks for your faith in me…I am managing to grab some of your messages, and those of others with similar feelings, and put them somewhere safe.

      Reply
    2. Natalie Williams

      Hello Marc,
      My girlfriend gifted me your book yesterday because she knows I’ve always been intetrested in how addiction effects brain chemistry and causes irrational, self-defeating behaviors in alcoholics.
      I read it all night !!!!
      I’ve thought for years that Alcoholics Anonymous needs to offer it’s members the option of a scientific explanation of how alcohol changes their brain chemistry because soooo many people can’t get past the “God Thing” that goes on at AA meetings.
      In a secular world a scientific explanation might create more motivation than the “leap of faith” AA is currently endorsing.
      Natalie

      Reply
      1. Marc

        Hi Natalie, I’m so glad that my book kept you up all night! That is music to my ears. And I have to agree with you about AA. For some people, the “God Thing” (as you put it) is a watershed that is just too hard to cross. They have to change their fundamental way of interpreting the world, in order to join the club that they hope will save their lives. For others, it works, and I certainly don’t knock that. We are tiny creatures, after all. But for me, and seemingly for you and for many others, science is the most obvious lens for looking at the world and trying to understand it. And the recent enormous surge in neuroscience research provides a very powerful tool for understanding ourselves — in a way we’ve not been able to do at any point in history. Science seems just about the opposite of a leap of faith. It’s a leap of critical thinking. I don’t yet know its value to people currently battling addiction, but comments like yours, and this blog in general, are helping me to find out.
        Cheers,
        Marc

        Reply
        1. Natalie Williams

          Hello again Marc,

          Thank you for your reply.
          It’s true I’m a science-minded individual but I also lead a very spiritual life.
          I’ve studied Buddhism for as long as I’ve studied Neuroscience. I believe my attraction to Buddhism has developed because I’m “science-minded.”
          In Buddhism you’re not given a manual on “how to.” You’re told to go out and experiment for yourself, use your critical thinking.
          The basic principle is the practice of meditation to actively change your brain.
          I’m very grateful that my 2 favourite subjects have submerged had the chance to collaberate during my lifetime.
          The Dalai Lama is a very science-minded man, he participated in experiments at MIT to study the effects ofmeditation on the brain. Finally scientists have the necessary machinery to enable them to understand what Tibetans have been saying for 2500 years… your thoughts effect your brain. I think this scientific explanation would go a long way to motivating those who could use the services of AA but don’t agree with a God-based philosophy. It’s great cyber-speaking with you Marc, I really appreciate your mind and your brain. I’m grateful it survived your struggles. peace Natalie

          Reply
          1. Marc

            Hi Natalie,
            I’m also very keen on the integration of neuroscience with Buddhism and mindfulness meditation! I’m familiar with some of the research looking at the effects of meditation on the brain. In fact, a few summers ago, I spoke (and meditated, and shut up!) at the yearly Mind and Life conference/retreat. This is a tremendous organization, started by the Dalai Lama. The participants were either neuroscientists or Buddhist/yoga types (i.e., “contemplatives”), or in some cases both. Check out their website: http://www.mindandlife.org/ I think you’ll find it fascinating. Also, you might want to check out an excellent book by Varela and colleagues, The Embodied Mind, 1991, Cambridge University Press. He traces many parallels between Buddhism and cognitive science. You may also be interested in “Mind in Life” by Evan Thompson, Varela’s follower and collaborator. Finally, there is now an area of research sometimes called “neurophenomenology” in which subjective experience is directly linked to moment-by-moment neural data. Varela was a founder of this paradigm.

            The capacity for mindfulness/meditation to relieve the craving of addiction, and thereby contribute to recovery and staying recovered, is of great interest to me. I think I’ll do a blog post on that shortly, so stay tuned!

            Thanks for your great comments and for reminding me of the importance of this work.

            Cheers,
            Marc

            Reply
            1. Natalie

              Hello again Marc,

              Please the errors in my last email, that’s what you get for corresponding on an IPhone. I went and checked out the Mind and Life website. I’ve been on it before but forgot about it so I do appreciate your recommendation.I did some research and went on Amazon to order both Mind in Life and The Embodied Mind. It’s so great for me to find someone who appreciates the same subjects as I do.I’m very grateful for your responses and I will keep watching for your blogs.
              peaceandlove Natalie

              Reply
  2. Isabel

    Keep being exactly who you are, Marc. Wish I could be there to cheer you on in person… GOOD LUCK!

    Reply
  3. Vicky Lishak

    I haven’t observed any disdain, just the admiration…. I am really glad that you will be out there changing the unfair and damaging one-dimensional stereotype of people who abused drugs. Thank you and good luck!
    Vicky (the one that took your class 2 years ago)

    Reply
    1. Marc

      Thanks, Vicky. Great to see you at the launch, and I really appreciate your support and good wishes.

      Reply
  4. That Voice In Your Head

    Marc? it’s me, the OTHER voice in your head. You’ve done well. You are a champion of the voiceless. Remember that when the vociferous decry your truth and insight. Their disagreement with your story verifies that you have created scientific art, provocative art, doing exactly what timeless art does. Their reaction is about them, not you. No shame. Ok? Wear the clarity you have given the myriad voiceless like a cloak of protection against the slings and arrows of your outrageous fortune.
    Yours always,
    Left OFC

    Reply
    1. Marc

      Thanks, Left. I was worried. I’m still worried about my right OFC. Are you two in touch much? My corpus callosum is pretty jammed up these days, but you can take a sharp left at my hypothalamus and be there in 100 ms. Let me know how the reaction is going there because, as you know, the right hemisphere doesn’t talk and it’s goddam hard to tell what it’s thinking. If there’s anything really troublesome going on, can you send a copy to my dorsolateral PFC and get it straightened out? Thanks for your support. Yours, Marc

      Reply
  5. jo

    so what you were nervous about was what you were going to talk about? How about the shame, the guilt, the remorse? The nasty things you thought, said and did to get your way. the lies, the bullshit, the conning. still conning a little today maybe because I don’t sense true honesty. and so I am disappointed that although I can identify with the addiction, none of my questions have been given any deeper understanding by your treatment of our profoundly disturbing attachment to feeling better than we are right this minute.

    Reply
    1. Alese

      Hmmm… I suspect what he was worried about was that people would judge him for the nasty things he thought and did. Good thing he had nothing to worry about. 🙁 His “true honesty” may be better “sensed” by reading the book. Perhaps some of your questions about addiction will also be answered that way.

      Reply
      1. Marc

        Thanks, Alese. Indeed the reception has been much better than I’d feared. Very little judgment and a lot of interest and support.

        Reply
    2. Marc

      All of the above. Except your disappointment. That never worried me much. Read the book and then maybe we can talk about the unanswered questions.

      Reply
  6. brendan

    Marc,
    I went to see you yesterday in Vancouver and if i could i would like to offer you a bit of feedback. I went with a family member who is a recovering addict and i also currently have a sister who is very deeply addicted to opiates and as a result is also involved in sex work to pay for her drugs. Your delivery came across to me and my family member who was with me as being somewhat non chalant and removed. Perhaps it is because you are moving and living in the academic world now or,but it was some what distrubing to me that at least from the audience side (well my side really because i can only speak for myself) that you were kind of loosy goosy about drugs and addiction. The way you spoke about using booze now in your life is just not on with what i understand about recovery. The way that you seemed to alude to North Americans being uptight about having a drink felt like a put down. I know for me and my family that drug addiction is very serious and has really devistated our lifes and continues to do so. Perhaps you could make an effort as a person putting yourself forward as an expert in the field to be more serious and accurate with your information knowing that there are many in your adience who are sinserly struggling with addiction.
    thanks
    B.S.

    Reply
    1. Marc

      Brendan, I’m very sorry that my comments about booze struck you that way. I have tremendous respect for the strength and courage it takes to kick addiction. I hope at least that got across. Perhaps I was too cavalier in talking about booze during my talk. I know it’s a serious addiction for many. I mean, that much is obvious. It’s also good to be reminded that, even if booze is not the main culprit, recovery can be sabotaged by taking ANY mind-altering substances, including booze. That was not the case for me. In my personal history, two or three drinks per night did not hamper my recovery and in fact may have made me feel a little more settled. I don’t for a moment think that’s the case for everyone, and I’m sorry if I gave that impression.

      I think the bottom line is that both addiction and recovery are highly personal and highly individualistic. Not everyone recovers the same way, and it’s a mistake to assume that everyone has to take the same approach or acquire the same safeguards. I respect the need for total abstinence (from all substances) that is very often necessary. I’ll try to be more careful, so that my own history is not construed as a recipe for everyone else.

      Thanks for your comments,
      Marc

      Reply
      1. Mike Johnson

        Marc:

        Keep it honest and as forthright as possible. Recovery is going to be limited to some degree, it is not possible to change the personal history, the genetics, the psychodynamics. the traces of prior treatments.

        I think a person can grind themselves to dust with excessive strictness. It might be too much damn effort and too much time to squeeze it out 100%.

        A person wants to aspire to more than simply being an ex-something.

        Whatever, please do NOT present a sanitized picture of your past or the prospects for the future including your recurrences.

        I am thinking about the notions of recurring and remitting and progressive as in the diagnosis of MS and BPD.

        Recurring and Remitting seems crucial

        Reply
        1. Marc

          They say that relapse is part of recovery, and that may have been the case for me. I relapsed at least 100 times before stopping completely. So what does relapse do for you? As you suggest, it gives you the opportunity for another session of self-hatred, self-abuse, and a chance to climb out of the pit yet again. That doesn’t sound so constructive after all. Maybe it’s just a misnomer: relapse happens… it doesn’t “lead” to recovery, but it’s a step along a road that you take to get there.

          I mostly agree with you about excessive strictness. I think that too much grinding strictness is a double-edged sword. It can work to keep you on the straight-and-narrow, but when you’re in trouble it often makes the trouble worse, by triggering massive amounts of shame. Shame justifies self-abuse like nothing else, so there goes the feedback loop again. Also, excessive strictness simply exhausts the neural mechanisms (dorsal ACC) responsible for self-control. It literally depletes them of glucose-related neurotransmitters, as I describe in the book. Let up on the reins and you can get more mileage out of your dACC, maybe enough to get you through the day.

          Anyway, I don’t think my picture of my myself (in the book or in the blog) is sanitized. I think it’s pretty raw. And I WILL keep it honest, I promise.

          Reply
  7. jayne

    I thought it might be libertiating to finnally come out and be honest about my addiction i dident want to keep lying about who i was relizing iv been an addict since i was 14 done36 programs noyhing seemed to last so finally i told everyone this seems to be me im an addict and its probrbly going to remain like this. To my suprize and horror my closest family members turned there backs disowned me from my mother brothers to my own daughter it was like i dident exest anymore i was devestated and very much alone, its beem 5 years now it still hurts but it made me look at who is one with the problem more severe at least i have a heart and could never treat anyone as iv been treated by who i thought were family, i have never stole, borrowed money from them for my habit so i have adopted my own group of people more like minded and called them family they may be labled a bunch of junkies myself included but no matter what i know they wont turn there backs on me. im not a bad person i guess you could say damaged i wish more people could see beyond my addiction and see the person, maby your book will shed some light on the subject help socity be more compassionate thank you i will be fallowing this book

    Reply
  8. Marc

    Jayne, that is a very sad story indeed. I do hope my book will help people to see that addiction is not a matter of bad behaviour, weakness, immorality, or disease. It is a learning process that gets out of hand — way out of hand — and it’s extremely difficult to “unlearn” it, especially in an environment that does not offer kindness and support. If people understand that the brain actually changes with addiction, and that these changes are real physical changes, then brain knowledge offers a way to help understand addiction better. Not an excuse, as some people have charged: but a step toward making sense of it.

    Reply
  9. Marc

    Thanks, that’s really good to hear. I never know exactly what will be of interest and what might possibly help people, until I get comments like yours. I’ll try to keep coming up with new stuff that makes a difference.

    Reply
  10. meshack

    Marc All of the positive changes in my life today are a result of my sobriety. In my old life, I was used to running on self-will, ripping and running the interstates, and living out of hotel rooms. Now, I am a functioning member of society. I make a good living that allows me to have a few gear-head toys and other material luxuries. I have a healthy relationship with my fiancé not some person I’ve taken “hostage”. I never thought that I would have this type of connection with another person or have a family of my own. And I wouldn’t without my sobriety. But, recovery has given me something so much greater than just the tangible stuff it has given me freedom. I don’t have to worry when I travel- will I have enough drugs or booze? I no longer have to plan everything out. I have the true freedom to go anyplace where any normal person walks freely without being a prisoner to my disease.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

More posts