Stories of addiction that keep me up at night

Written by

Marc

in

Hi people.

I’m sorry I’ve been so out of touch. There isn’t one particular reason, but several things have conspired to keep me busy. The last actual post was a cut-and-paste from Arne, a reader, on August 25th, and the last one I wrote myself was on August 17th. Both posts got a LOT of comments: each became a real dialogue among readers, and that was a delight in itself. Not only that, but new people stumbling on this blog have complimented us on the depth and diversity of our perspectives. So, congratulations to us! Anyway, I got caught up in this sea of comments, followed leads, bought books, etc, and all that kept me busy for a while.

I also finally started my interviews. I’ve been talking with a subset of the people who responded to my request (on this blog) to use their life stories of addiction and (mostly) recovery, for my next book. I must have gotten between 100 and 150 responses to that request, and if you were among them, I’m very thankful to you. I tried to get back to everyone who offered a peak into their private lives – not something I take for granted. If I somehow missed you, please accept my apology: My inbox was completely flooded for a few months.

Everyone who responded shared some aspect of their life with me, all by email, and some also with a follow-up phone call. People shared anything from a rough sketch to a cluster of searing details. Some were almost novella-length. Others were teasers, eliciting curiosity or enchantment. Some struck me as warnings to anyone listening. Others were more like cries for help. I found these accounts to be moving, inspiring, and/or agonizing, each in its own way. So here’s the problem: For my book I can only use four or five of these stories, fleshed out as biographies. More than that and the book would lose its coherence. Now what do I do with the rest? It would be such a waste to ignore them.

Here’s a solution: A memoir repository.

I want to invite everyone who has shared some aspect of your life as an addict, recovered or not, to post your story on this website. And anyone else who wants to join in would be welcome as well. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve contacted me personally or not. My web-designer and I will create a unique page where people can post their stories directly. They will not be edited by me or anyone else. My only demand is that you think before you post. Don’t post details that you might not want to be public. (But if you change your mind later, you can ask me to delete your post and perhaps make up a new one.) What I envision is a repository of addiction memoirs, anywhere from a paragraph to several chapters in length, sitting in their own special place on the Internet. They will be available for anyone who might be looking for inspiration, wisdom, or warning, or parallels with their own troubling experiences, or maybe a few moments of recognition, a sense of commonality, or a spot of hope in an ominous future.

Please don’t send your stories to me now. I’ll let you know when the posting page is ready, and I’ll make sure and announce the details on how to post your story directly. Also, if you have comments about this new feature, or other ideas to share, please send them as comments on this post rather than as emails.

Next post, I’m going to share what I’m getting from the in-depth interviews I’ve already conducted. I’m learning so much more about addiction than I thought I knew, from the astounding details of other people’s lives. You’ll see what’s been keeping me busy.

Comments

17 responses to “Stories of addiction that keep me up at night”

  1. Kathleen

    Hi Marc,
    What a great idea! I look forward to reading and learning from other peoples experience.

    Reply
    1. Marc

      Moi aussi. I’m actually getting more and more turned on by this idea. I think it’s going to work.

      Reply
  2. Jaliya

    What a great idea, Marc … It’s ultimately our stories, shared, that reach deepest into all our questions and our common human condition(s) …

    You’re a pioneer, you know that? 🙂

    Reply
    1. Marc

      Thanks, Jaliya. And nice to hear from you…

      Reply
  3. Michele Patterson

    Agreed. A great idea. (ps: I hope some of the stories that keep you up at night are positive ones!)

    Reply
    1. Marc

      Yes, they are! See recent post….

      Reply
  4. JLK

    HI Marc

    Thanks for sending. I realize (hope also) my story is one being considered. While talking with you I also realized there is so much about addiction that you don’t know even though you have been there as a “binge druggie”.

    I think it is great that you now understand that and your book will help clarify so many issues in peoples minds, starting with the difference in your kind of use and “maintenance users” like myself.

    Your method of quitting has always sounded too good to be true for me. You also are able to drink on a regular basis. While it is true it takes all kinds there are also a lot of similarities in the stories I have heard in the hundreds of meetings I have attended (and being me analyzing the more interesting ones) and I must admit I have not heard one remotely like yours.

    ‘We have found that true alcoholism, no matter what stage you are in, (there are roughly 3) always stays with you so if you pick up that first drink even after 20 years of sobriety you will, within a short time, be WORSE off than you were before…never fails in my experience. The aphorism we use is “always gets worse , never better.

    Anyway I am not rambling over nothing as there is a point. I am not sure that what you experienced was true addiction. Addicts are always compulsives; maybe not OCD but compulsives just the same: Maybe that is what saved you. Many are also addicted to gambling (that is a biggie) and other drugs.

    To put it plainly I am still not convinced you were a true addict but possibly driven by other psychological problems. First you were a “binger” and second you were able to quit the hard stuff too easily. (relative term: I know it was hard but too short a time period).

    Therefore you have a lot to study and learn from us addicts and how we got there and how we broke through to sobriety. And for this I salute you. You have a vast readership now (unlike my tiny group of followers and yes I’m jealous) and can do a lot of good if you can somehow convey to people how it works helping many in the process. Empathy is impossible for the non-addict. Knowledge is not.

    Thanks for doing this important work.
    JLK

    Reply
    1. nik

      JLK,
      While Alese made several key points about your post, some of its most important assertions remain unaddressed.

      You, JLK, said,

      //We have found that true alcoholism, no matter what stage you are in, (there are roughly 3) always stays with you so if you pick up that first drink even after 20 years of sobriety you will, within a short time, be WORSE off than you were before…never fails in my experience. The aphorism we use is “always gets worse , never better.

      Anyway I am not rambling over nothing as there is a point. I am not sure that what you experienced was true addiction.//

      Alese responded in part
      ///It feels a tad demeaning to those of us who DO see a lot of truth in Marc’s understanding of addiction (and recovery) to be told we all have it wrong.

      Regardless of what important and, no doubt, common addiction experiences you have dealt with in your work (and personal life), I find it utterly disrespectful to come to this space and suggest that (a) You are the expert on who will and won’t be deemed an addict, ///
      ——

      More strongly, this attitude of _I have the truth, and Marc and other posters would do well to listen to it_ undermines a sense of community and common purpose, not to say, the spirit of inquiry which this blog seeks to foster.

      Apart from that, where is the evidence for what you state or imply? The ‘true addicts’ are on an inevitable downward course; further they must totally abstain and (I infer) take the 12-Steps in an AA type group, and undergo a spiritual reformation. You not only imply the benefits of such a program for the ‘true addict’ but that it’s the *only way*. Marc, the poor fellow, did have the downward course, but didn’t get better in the way you prescribe.

      Your moves are this point are basically arguing in a circle. a) He wasn’t a true addict, and b) he didn’t really get better. So you are prescribing what’s recovery? Stable family, productive work are not adequate since there was no spiritual reformation?

      You do all of us a disservice in seeking to disqualify all paths other than that of yourself and your associates. Or, I should add in condescendingly asserting _Of course your other paths may work, but *not* for the ‘true addict,’ those like myself._

      The pattern Marc recounts was marked by binges, and his withdrawal apparently did not include utterly harrowing or life threatening physical symptoms (as with some of the most extremely addicted to opiates or alcohol). You suggest the pattern is merely ‘compulsive.’ This type of compulsive may well bring his life into ruins, as you well know, but the ‘compulsion’ (can’t stop), the ‘high,’ and the road to ruin (self destruction) are apparently *not* sufficient for addiction in your view, for reasons you never make clear. You’re not doing posters at this blog any service, if you can’t listen to talk of such self destructive compulsions because they don’t exactly fit your template.

      It’s worth point out that your base of evidence is badly skewed. You’re observing the ‘true addicts’ who’ve stuck around and benefited from your program. Those ‘survivors’ likely do not exceed 10% of the afflicted who initially show up. You all are not likely a majority of addicts, or even of seriously addicted persons, who are of many subtypes.

      Alese mentions “those of us who feel our stories and experiences are indeed reflected in what Marc’s memoir.” But, in my view, the central issue is broader. You are ignoring the variety of experiences of addicts, given any common definition (other than your self serving one). My own experiences are only partly like Marc’s and there are hundreds of others. (See _Sober for Good_, by A. Fletcher.)

      You suggest that Marc, in studying recovery, would do well-to listen to you, to ‘true addicts,’ to those convinced, perhaps rightly, that they were ‘saved’ through total abstention within 12-step AA, CA, NA-type programs. I agree. And he does. You, in turn, might benefit, if you’re interested, in listening to the experiences of those who may be quite dissimilar to your associates, though equally genuine in their distress.

      Reply
  5. Kerryn

    Hi Marc that is a great idea I will search my memory and send you something more detailed when you start this new feature. I am starting a new business so I am kind of really excited right now. Been clean 5 weeks and I am so driven and determined this time. The shop has given me something to throw my creative side into. Actually I’ve never been more determined before mostly thanks to your blog and encouragement and those around me in therapy have been incredable support. I can see a whole new direction open to me now. And I understand so much more about myself. And i am feeling steonger and back im control Thank you Marc
    Cheers Kerryn

    Reply
    1. Marc

      That is really wonderful to hear, Kerryn. That kind of enthusiasm and determination and optimism sure sound like the beginning of a new path. Of course there may be difficult moments — in fact that’s probable — but it definitely helps to start off with these feelings, and it makes it all the more likely that you’re going to succeed.

      I wish you the best, as I’m sure we all do!

      Reply
  6. Sobro

    Hi Marc,

    Great Idea!!
    The repository site can only serve to support and give voice and community to so many of us. I appreciate JLK’s insight and believe this is where the expression “There are many Truths”, has a home.

    Reply
  7. Alese

    JLK, given your wisdom on the subject, I suggest you start your own blog and write your own book that enlightens the rest of us. In the meantime, those of us who feel our stories and experiences are indeed reflected in what Marc’s memoir reveals and the neuroscience that may explain parts of it, will keep reading this blog for his insights and others’. It feels a tad demeaning to those of us who DO see a lot of truth in Marc’s understanding of addiction (and recovery) to be told we all have it wrong.

    Regardless of what important and, no doubt, common addiction experiences you have dealt with in your work (and personal life), I find it utterly disrespectful to come to this space and suggest that (a) You are the expert on who will and won’t be deemed an addict, and (b) Marc, and by extension, his readers, will be vastly more illuminated by YOUR story. I think you may get a whole lot more people wanting to talk to you and wanting to read your writing if you stop declaring your truth is the only truth…

    On the other hand, it totally sucks when it feels like you have something important to say and no one is hearing it. But that tone, dude, that TONE…

    Reply
    1. Victoria Hunt

      Alese,

      Your so right! That TONE…..what is that? Ego? Resentment? A race of some sort…..to somewhere?

      Reply
  8. JLK

    To All of you who find my remarks somehow “demeaning” or what ever.

    Don’t worry I have already told Marc that if giving my opinion on addiction is disrespectful or demeaning I will leave you alone.

    I live in a rough and tumble world, have had a very rough life and left sensitivity and false (my opinion only no disrespect intended please) politeness. if that world comes through in my writing and is too much for this blog I apologize and sign off.

    If I can’t give my opinion without walking on eggshells I just can’t do it anyway. I do NOT want have to second guess everything I say.

    Rgds
    JLK

    Reply
    1. Marc

      To John (JLK), Nik, Alese, and everyone. I have watched this tempest boil up and I’ve stayed out of it, but now I’ll add my perspective. Please see my most recent post for some reflections….

      Reply
  9. Peter

    I believe JLK is doing a huge disservice to the spirit and message of the 12-step program. I think the 12 steps is a beautiful program with a beautiful solution and method to addiction. Unfortunately the attitude JLK displays on this blog is not uncommon within the program- i think it stems, rather ironically, from a lack of understanding and practice of the very program these individuals purport to represent. I would suggest strongly that JLK re-read the first 164 pages of the Big Book of AA, and diligently put those ideas into practice FIRST, before telling everyone around how they need to recover from addiction. Apparently JLK, I think you missed the “love and tolerance is our code” part of the program and likely the entire chapter on carrying the message- it says we carry our “experience, strength and hope,” not our “attitude, judgement, and expertise”.
    I am a huge supporter of the 12 step method, and I do know very, very, well what it says in the first 164 pages of that book, so JLK or whomever, please test that out if you feel the need.
    Btw Marc, it is your somewhat distant cousin Peter, I met you at the book signing in Toronto with my father Michael. I really love the blog!

    Reply
    1. Marc

      Hi Peter! Welcome aboard. I do remember you, and I’m glad you’ve gotten in touch — at least through the blog. You’re welcome to send me an email if you’d like to talk more.

      As to JLK’s message here — there have been several subsequent posts and lots of comments dealing with the pro’s and cons of AA/NA, and JLK has been rather vociferous throughout. There has also been a lot of debate about tone, exclusivity, and about the definition of a “true addict”. Take a look.

      Cheers,
      Marc

      Reply

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